2017 is our 25th Wedding Anniversary.
Not that it really matters to anyone, but this is our second marriage for both of us. This will also be, with God’s grace, our last marriage. It saddens me that we each had a prior marriage that did not work out. Two couples, four people, who had to experience the ultimate heartbreak of a divorce and all it entails. Even with the pain and sorrow of a failed marriage, I am grateful we went through it. Yes, I said grateful. The divorces we both experienced made us into the people we ultimately became when we met each other – and why we have been happily married for twenty-five years. I want to share a few reasons why I think our second marriage has lasted this long.
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I don’t claim to have any great secrets when it comes to marriage.
I think first and foremost…marriage is not easy. I love that look of innocence and surety on the face of a newly married couple. On their wedding day, there is a knowledge that as a couple, they are right where they need to be and their love will see them through. And that is exactly how they should feel. If only that same surety could last when the money is tight; when work and careers gets in the way; when feelings of self-worth invade into esteem and jealousies rear its ugly heads; when babies take up more time than you ever imagined; when you feel like you have completely disavowed the very reasons you fell in love to begin with.
There are so many reasons why a marriage can fail. But that is not what I want to share today. Instead, I want to focus on why a marriage has lasted. Why a marriage has succeeded. My marriage.
As I have gotten older, I don’t look back at my first marriage as a total failure. For one, we managed to remain friends for the sake of our child. My ex and I never allowed our own failures to reflect upon our son. Nothing makes me any sadder than to see a divorced couple using their children as weapons against each other.
My first marriage also gave me my son. My only child. A blessing that can never be replaced. In some ways, it allowed me to test the waters of being an adult and learning to be a wife and mother. I married young – only 18 years old. By 19 I had a new baby and a business I ran full-time. I don’t regret a single day. Because as strange as this may sound, the breakdown of my first marriage allowed me to become the woman and the wife I needed to be for my second marriage.
Here are the the reasons I feel that has created a thriving, love-filled marriage.
1.) The obvious…I was older and more mature when I was married the second time.
Being married young is not always a recipe for failure. My parents were 17 and 19 when they were married and when my sweet Daddy passed away last May, they had been married 64 years. But, being young and immature were definitely obstacles for a newly married couple just starting out. Marriage is not the ideal place for “on the job training.” Neither of us knew who we were or what we wanted. With my second marriage, we were both professionally established, and had a better idea of who we were as individuals.
2.) We allow God into our marriage.
This is where some of you may take offense, and for that I do not apologize. But, I became a Godly wife. I honored and obeyed as our vows declared and we recited at our wedding. And my husband has honored me, as well.
It isn’t just about “honoring and obeying.” It’s also about believing and understanding that God has blessed us with a second chance at love, and we owe it to our Lord and to each other to remember that blessing, even when we are angry at each other. I was also confident enough in myself and my relationship with God that I wanted to serve my husband as my own mother had served my Father. Some would say it’s old-fashioned and I am sure feminist would cringe at reading this. But, I have never been made to feel less of a woman because I choose to be a wife who places my husband on a pedestal. In the end, what others don’t always readily see, he has grabbed me by the hand and placed me next to him on that same pedestal.
3.) We respect each other.
Respect. In my heart, I believe it is something not given freely, but often earned. I believe that, not only have we respected each other for who we are as individuals, but through the years we also respected each other for who we wanted to be and what we wanted to do. We may not have always agreed along the way. In no way do I want to paint a picture that the last twenty-five years of our marriage has been easy. I would be lying to you. In fact, about 10 years ago there was a dark time in our marriage where I wasn’t sure we would even last.
But, we went back to our original vows, and reminded each other that marriage wasn’t easy. God didn’t intend it to be that way.
Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy! — Psalm 126:5
4.) I am more comfortable in my skin.
For me personally, I know with maturity there became a sense of self worth. As a young married wife, I was self conscience of everything. Lots of emotional outbursts of jealousy and malcontent with my own significance seeped into my conscience of importance – making me feel less of a woman, less of a person. Less of a wife.
Age has not completely given me a high esteem. I still wish I was less this and more of that. But, I no longer care as much. I care more about being healthy and looking good for myself. I care more about how others respect me as a person versus how people respect me for an image. I was able to learn to love myself and stop being so unjustifiably dissonant against myself. The ole’ saying about “loving yourself before you can love someone” rings true in so many ways. A heart weighed down with negativism has no room to be filled with love.
5) We have allowed each other space.
My husband loves to golf. I don’t. I love to garden. My husband – not so much. But, neither of us has ever made each other’s passions an issue. (Well, except when I need help toting dozens and dozens of trays of plants to the garden. Ha! ) Neither of us would ever ask each other to give up our passions. I am not jealous of his time with his golfing buddies. In fact, it’s healthy to cultivate outside “positive influence” friends. And though I may not enjoy golf (I have tried, I really have!) I still remain interested and want to hear about his games, or go shopping with him for a new club. And often, my husband comes out into the garden with me and even lends a hand, as needed. He is always the first to encourage me to try something new. So, while it’s very important to be a true couple in every sense, allowing each other space to be an individual is extremely important, as well.
6.) We Have Developed Interests We Loved Together.
While it’s important to allow each other to maintain our self identity, we also knew it was equally imperative that we develop and build upon our interests as a couple. Traveling, for example. We both have a passion for travel and we are at our happiest when we are away on a trip. British history and England. I knew Bill was the man for me when I discovered he had majored in British History. There are lots more interests we share, and it’s these shared passions we have developed, over the last twenty-five years, to create a lasting love for each other and build upon a solid marriage.
7.) We talk.
Seems simple enough doesn’t it? We talk. Sometimes for hours at a time. We talk about anything and everything. Sometimes – we argue. C’mon, who doesn’t? But, instead of shutting down and stomping off to another room as we would have done when we were younger, we talk. We allow each other the chance to voice their respective feelings. We allow each other to have a say, and get down to the reason where the argument evolved from. Some of my favorite times with Bill are late in the afternoon, when we are having a drink out on the back deck, or enjoying our morning coffee on the front porch. No TV, no phones. Just us. Talking. We don’t solve any world problems. We just enjoy a few moments where we are alone and can just enjoy…being.
8.) We remain quiet.
For every moment in our marriage where we talk, there were times we also remain quiet. As someone who deals with control issues, this has not always been easy for me. I thought, at times, it was my duty as a wife to make my opinions known. But, I was wrong. I learned this through my much more quiet husband. I learned that my opinion wasn’t always what was needed. Sometimes, my silent and sheer support was the answer. I also learned that by me remaining quiet on some issues, I was in fact offering my agreement. Bill also learned there were times no words were needed. Such as when my Daddy died and no words could console me. But my husband’s presence and love and embrace got me through those rough days. He remained quiet, but supportive and consoling.
9.) We are best friends.
Cliche you say? Every married couple is best friends? You would be surprised. My husband knows things about me I would never share with anyone else, nor would I want to. And vice versa. He is the one I want to share any good news with. He is the one I want to be with when I hear bad news. I am the one he calls to check on when he’s been away for a few hours. He is the one who cleans up my messy kitchen after I have cooked dinner. We are best friends. I have family and friends and acquaintances – but, I only have one true best friend. My husband.
10) We acknowledge our “wrongs” and compliment our “rights.”
Part of any marriage is to be able to forgive the wrongs. But, on the other hand, a solid marriage should have a foundation of encouragement and praise and be able to acknowledge the “rights.” I don’t think a couple should dwell on each other’s negatives unless they are detrimental to each other or the marriage and need to be addressed. An injured marriage will use these negatives against each other in an effort to make one feel better about their own misgivings. Bill and I have tried, over the years, to instead acknowledge our rights. I think we learned this from our parents who enjoyed long, happy marriages. What is the biggest “right” for which we remind ourselves on a daily basis? That we chose each other. That we made the right decision to go out on a second date, and a third and a fourth and so on. That we respected each other enough to develop a new relationship into an eventual marriage, even after we had both experienced a failed first. That we made the right decision to love each other when our marriage was at its weakest. That we were able to see that we were right for each other in every way.
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I think every happily married couple has their own list of things which make their marriage work. I wish my “Married 25 years” self could sit down with my “Just married” self. (I doubt the “Just married” self would even listen, though. LOL ) But, if she would listen, I would tell her… don’t ever, ever lose track of who you are as a person, but love your partner enough to give enough of yourself that you can become one. Above all else, choose to be happy.
Thank you for letting me share these thoughts with you, and for spending a few minutes of
your day here with me. xxoo, Barb
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Laura at Duke manor farm says
Thanks for sharing your heart and guidance for others Best wishes for another 25 beautiful years together.
View CommentRichella Parham says
Congratulations on reaching this milestone! I am happy for both of you–and for the world that gets to experience the blessing of having y’all in it.
Your advice is excellent. I’m so glad you are able to look on your first marriage for the blessings it brought and not allow it to sour you on life or love.
Jack and I will have been married 32 years this June, Lord willing. I remember when, 10 years ago, I didn’t think we would make it to 22 years. But I can look back now and be grateful that we weathered some really bad storms. They weren’t fun, but with God’s grace we learned and grew from them. Now I tell people that they should never take marriage advice from someone who says they’ve always had a happy marriage–where would be the learning in that? 🙂
God bless you and Bill with many more happy years together.
View CommentPaula says
Congratulations on 25 years and here’s to 25 more! Dave and I will be married 23 years in July. Time sure flies!
View CommentWendy says
This was beautiful and so real. I also believe that being a Godly wife (couple) is crucial, at least for us. I’m so grateful for my husband (not my first but hopefully my last) and feel it an honor to serve him. He respects me and makes me feel loved in so many ways. Yes, we have our moments. I’ve come to realize they are based on the mistrust I have because of my past. But these conversations continue to make us stronger and more confident. He truly is my best friend. Thank you for sharing. I’m glad you also found so much happiness and joy the second time around. We are blessed in so many ways.
View CommentMary - the boondocks blog says
Barbara that was so beautifully written. And with age come so many truths that cannot be envisioned or articulated when we are young. You did a wonderful job of covering them all and even some points I would not have thought of. Congrats on 25 years and enjoy the road to the next 25!
View Commentgee says
Oh Barb! What a luvly post. Congratulations on your milestone anniversary. We celebrated 25 last June. This is my 2nd., but his first. As I read your post, I see so much of what we do there…. I too keep thinking I wish I could have a heart to heart with my young self. Ooohhh, a good long talk. ?
View CommentHowever, the is not much I would change along the way. This is a good thing. I enjoy my marriage and my husband. We can speak without words…
Thanks so much for sharing such a beautiful thing with us.
Stephanie Wethington says
Such a wonderful post!!! Your marriage sounds somewhat like mine and Carl’s. All of areas you covered are important to a good marriage. I wish for you 25 + years more together. Thank you for sharing your wonderful story!!
View CommentPatty Soriano says
When we marry young, as most of us do, we don’t realize how hard marriage can be. Looking back, I should have taken note watching my mom and dad. When daddy went to Vietnam for a year mom was left behind with two small kids and a new trailer park to run. When dad got out of the air force after 20 years mom and dad built up the park, and later refinished furniture together. Through it all I saw many arguments, but also a lot of love. My husband and I have been married 31 years. Many couples that we knew in our younger years have since divorced. We know of only one couple who are still together. Marriage is tough! It takes work! We’ve been through some hard times, but I thank God that he gave me a man who was willing to work through it all with me. Our wedding was not a very good day. My maid of honor thought I was only showing her my husband’s ring and did not take it to the church with her. We had to use the pastor’s ring in the ceremony. The pastor would not allow photography during the ceremony (will never forgive that!) And I was so nervous I was sick to my stomach,. SO…. for our 25th anniversary we took a cruise to Alaska where I was born and adopted. We were married again by the Captain of the ship. But because my husband never really proposed to me, he got down on one knee and proposed with an aquamarine ring (his birthstone) we had just bought in port. I hope, Barb, that you will also celebrate your love with something very special! Congratulations!
View CommentJean e says
Very interesting blog today. Lots of good ideas shared.
View CommentRonny Kosempel says
Richard & I married when I was 30 yrs. old. We have been married 40 years. I am glad I waited for the “right one”. I think some couples think marrieage should be oerfect. Nothing in life is perfect, but it certainly is worth working at to amke things betterfor both. Blessings on your anniversary.
Ronny K.
View CommentCathy Armstrong says
Several of those points really resonated with me, thank you. When you develop shared interests and allow God into your marriage you have a much stronger chance for longevity!
View CommentTrish says
Such a beautiful post. You brought tears to my eyes. I hope some day I’ll be as lucky as you are. I wasn’t divorced but widowed and when I tried dating I could not stop comparing the men to my late husband. He wasn’t a saint but over the years I seem to have developed a image of him being perfect. i wish you and your husband another 25 years of happiness and love.
View CommentSandra Smith Root says
Great article!
View CommentAnn Cluck says
My second marriage also lasted 25 yrs, until the passing of my husband. Then I got married again, big mistake. Married last time now to someone I have known for 30 yrs. I am his caregiver as well.
View CommentBonnie Chase says
Beautiful post. All your insightful reasons hit the mark of having a great marriage but the one that really speaks true success is having a relationship with Jesus. You can do anything with Jesus by your side. Yes, marriage is hard work, it takes determination and a willingness to put your spouse first. And alot of forgiveness.
Congratulations on your 25 years of marriage. God bless you as you journey through your next 25 years.
View CommentGail Bobel says
March 6th will be the 46th anniversary of our marriage. Our home is also God centered. That is the reason for our success. I hope you two have 25 more happy and healthy years together.
View CommentMARY-ANN (FROM CANADA!) says
Barb, what a lovely post you shared with us today. There is advice for everyone to take and put into practice.
When my husband and I were married (48 years ago), my Mom and Dad gave us some wonderful advice which we have upheld in our marriage — “DON’T EVER GO TO BED BEING MAD AT ONE ANOTHER!” God took Mom and Dad home to Heaven far too soon and we miss them so very much.
No marriage is perfect! It is something that you both have to work at daily. When problems arise, you have to be able to sit down and talk and “AGREE TO DISAGREE” if need be. And, like you, God is a very important part of our marriage. We are truly blessed with everything He has given us.
Barb, Congratulations on your 25th! May you be blessed with many wonderful years to share together.
Again, thanks for sharing this post with us. You are such a special person!
Blessings, my friend! Enjoy your weekend!
View CommentDeborah D says
What a wonderful testimony to marriage. I’ve been married 46 years and it sure hasn’t been easy but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
View CommentI so enjoy your blog.
Ada Braun says
Thank you for sharing your story. It seems as though those of us married for many years, we have been married 39 years, are the exception instead of the rule anymore. Both the love binds and respect are so important to marriage. Without respect it’s hard to sustain love in marriage. You can’t buy or scare someone to respect you. You gain the respect of others buy showing it to others. So many young people don’t get this point. Actually, they don’t get most points about marriage. One more thing, self esteem is veritable. It’s capable of going up and down all in one day. It’s so important to over all self esteem not to get caught up in the low times. This is a good place for a loving spouse can help you. Remember you’re a child of God and there is nothing that he which was bad. He knew every hair on your head before you were born. God is a loving and gracious Father.
View CommentNancy Walden says
Great advise! I appreciate that you realize that having a relationship with God is essential.
View Commentmichele says
congrats on 25 years …I think everyone figures the secret if they work at it. my husband and I will celebrate 44 years in july ,my best friends too…
View CommentCarol@blueskykitchen says
Barb, could we sit down together on your patio or mine and talk? I’ve been married almost 20 years to my second husband, but the love of my life. So many things about a second marriage that you wrote about spoke directly to me. We met in church at a divorce recovery class, started dating 4 months later, and have never been apart since. If it weren’t for the fact that I have 3 wonderful children and he has 1, I would give anything to turn back the clock and have found this wonderful man in my twenties instead of in my forties. You are so right about respect and friendship and asking God to be a part of your marriage. Every Sunday, I am so grateful to sit next to my husband in church, hold a hymnal with him and hold his hand as we say the Lord’s Prayer. He loves to play golf, I play tennis, but we also love to travel, cook and talk together. We love to dance in the kitchen on Saturday night. He can go on a golf trip with his buddies, I can go on a girl trip and we never fret about being apart, but rejoice that we can go, trust, and come back to share our experiences. I gave him 2 daughters and another son, he gave me another son. We are truly blessed. I’m going to have him read your post!
View CommentBarb says
This truly made me tear up. I love reading testimonies of other happy couples and the common denominator is always the presence of God in their relationship. I have a framed print in our bedroom that says…”If I had my life to live over again, I’d find you sooner so that I could love your longer.” I think we could all be good friends. 😀
View CommentSandi Thomas preddy says
Well said! We are on marriage number two also and will celebrate 34 years together in June. Marriage isn’t always wonderful, but a strong and healthy relationship is a key ingredient. We learned a lot in marriage number one and hopefully have matured a lot.
View CommentBecky says
This is definitely one of my ‘all-time favorite posts’! My husband and I will be celebrating our 20th anniversary February 7th. There have been many ups and downs over the years, but with God as our central partner, we’ve risen above all of the darkness together. We are not only a husband and wife, but also are best friends.
View CommentThank you for sharing such a heart-felt message. May you both continue to share a wonderful life together.
Linda says
Wow, I was so impressed with this article! Our lives are oretty much the same. I married when I 18 and divorced but I had 3 boys and and am friends with my ex. Last year was my 25 anniversary with my new Godly husband and we too have many of the changes in this marriage that are the same as yours. You have blessed me with this. Thank you!
View CommentBarb says
Your comment touches my heart more than you know. I almost did not write the post because I did not want to come across as a “know it all” or that I am an expert on marriage. LOL But I just wrote it from my heart. Happy 26th to you!!! Have a great weekend!
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