I know there are stages of grief.
I know that psychologists and therapists have even numbered these stages.
Given them names.
And somehow, your mind and your heart are supposed to know when and
how to pass through these stages. And by some miracle, the grieving process
is fulfilled and your soul aches no more.
My grief is still so raw… and I am not 100% sure what “stage” I am in.
My sweet Daddy passed away on May 27.
Exactly 19 days ago.
In relative terms, nineteen days really isn’t that long.
But, in terms of the loss of a loved one, it seems forever.
If you have been following along with me for a while, you may remember
that my sister and I, along with my Mama, cared for my Daddy for
almost two years. Each of us taking turns staying with him at night.
It was one of the most blessed times of my adult life, because I was able to
spend some precious one on one time with my Daddy.
Something that most adults either do not wish to have, sadly – or because
of circumstances, do not have the ability.
We had late night ice cream when he couldn’t sleep, and early morning coffee,
when he couldn’t sleep. We talked about life, family, our past and my future.
At times, he would be the listener, and other times – the roles would reverse.
I never got tired of simply being with him and Mama, even though his
care involved much sacrifice in many ways. But, I ever saw it as that.
I saw it as a way of me giving back to my parents for all they had sacrificed
and given to me. I saw it as my God-given right.
We all realized he was growing weak. He had become almost completely
immobile. In some ways, he was ready to go. But, he was very scared.
The morning of the 27th, my sister called at 1:00am, and I knew. I knew even
before I picked up the phone. I knew. After I arrived at my parent’s house,
I had about good 15 minutes with my Daddy while he could still comprehend what
I was saying, even though he could only respond with his eyes.
His beautiful, baby blue eyes.
So, now we are going thru the “business” part of dying.
Wills and insurance policies and social security and lots of other things
that need to be done. All as we mourn and we watch our poor Mama learn
to live without her soulmate of 64 1/2 years. I see the depths of sadness in
her eyes, and even though my pain is vast – I cannot image the desolation she
must feel.
I can’t say to my Mama, you’re in “this stage of grief” or you have entered
that stage of grief. Right now, to her – stages mean nothing. Her heart is
broken and that is all. All I can do is hold her, feed her, make sure she is
as healthy as she can be, tell her repeatedly I love her, and be her daughter
and her friend. In many ways, the care I gave for my Daddy has passed to
the care I will now give to my Mama.
How does one survive the loss of a parent?
One day at a time.
One morning at a time.
One evening at a time.
One family dinner without him at a time.
One crying session at a time.
That is all we can do.
I quickly learned that the hardest part of losing someone you love is
learning to live life without them.
I know my Daddy is in a better place.
I have been told that the pain will eventually dull to the point it is
bearable and the memory of him doesn’t precipitate sorrow and despair.
(etsy)
But for now, I will continue on in a way that he would be proud of. I will
teach my grandchildren the same lessons he taught me. I will look up to
Heaven and know he is looking down upon us…
and I will Live.
In Memory of my Daddy,
1932 – 2016
……………………………………………………
Have you recently lost a loved one, or would like to share how
you dealt with your loss? I would truly love to hear from you.
faith says
I am so very sorry for your tremendous loss. May God grant you and your family comfort and peace.
View CommentDavinia says
I am really sorry for your loss. I understand you perfectly, because I lost my daddy too on May 15, just a day before his 62nd birthday. It’s been only six weeks, and the only thing I’ve been told is that you never overcome this, but learn how to live without him. One of the questions my therapist made me was: “do you know how to live without your dad?”. What a question… how can I? Since the day I arrive to this world, my dad has been there. How can someone manage to live without a dad? I don’t know life without him. I still have to learn how to live without him!
View CommentLots of love from Barcelona, dear. My thoughts are with you.
Barb says
Thank you Davinia. I am so sorry for your loss, as well. To make matters worse I was the baby of the family and a true Daddy’s girl. He was my world. Now I have to watch my sweet Mama wither away while she mourns the loss of her soulmate. They were married 66 years. No, I don’t know how to live without him but we have no choice do we, so we much learn. Take care of yourself and I will be praying for you. xxoo, Barb
View CommentYvonne Gold says
I never comment on blogs, but when I read your words about your dad, I began to cry. My dad died five years ago, and I still miss him, but I had mom left to care for, and I had to be strong for her. Now my mom has recently passed away (in May), and I have never felt such overwhelming sorrow in my life. I have never felt so alone. My mother had a great faith in God that sustained her, and she taught me to have faith as well. It is the only thing I can cling to for comfort, and it is getting easier – very slowly. I still have bouts of crying, as I did when I read your blog, but the times of feeling I am drowning in sorrow are becoming less over time. I’m sure that time will make it all easier to bear, but I also know that the fabric of life will never seem whole again because a huge piece is missing. You are in my prayers.
View CommentBarb says
Dear Yvonne, I wish I could reach out and give you a big hug right now. I can truly feel your pain, and I will also be a lost soul when my mother passes away, as well. It sounds like you and I were blessed to have two wonderful and loving parents. I miss his presence, and as strange as this sounds, I miss his smell. I walk into the house and still catch a faintness of it, especially in his room. He was truly a rock in my life. At almost 52 years old, I still called him “Daddy.” I am so glad you have your faith, as have mine. I know he is in a good place and he is not in pain any longer. But, I sure do miss him nonetheless. Please feel free to email me (barbgarrettnc@yahoo.com) any time you need to talk. xxoo, Barb
View CommentKathleen Walker says
Thank you for being so open and transparent on your loss. As awful as it is, you seem to be stronger than I was. It took me a long time to even be functioning. Thank you for sharing your pain and process, I hope you are doing alright.
View CommentBarb says
Kathleen, I am glad my words made me sound that way. Some days I don’t even feel I can function, plus my mama’s health has been bad since dady died. I guess I feel like I have to be especially strong for her. Thank you for your kind words and for stopping by. ~barb
View CommentAmy says
I’m so sorry for your loss. I completely know what you are going through as I lost my father on May 3, 2016. It was very sudden we didn’t have any clue he was going to die. He had a massive stroke and they doctors and nurses tried everything they could do to save them. It is still a very difficult time in my family life. Everyone tells me the first year is the hardest since it will be the first of everything without your loved one. You mother is very lucky to have you girls. My mom has all four of us kids and we try to keep her busy so she isn’t just sitting alone at the home they lived together in for the 43 years they were married.
View CommentBarb says
Oh Amy I am so sorry for your loss. Yes, Dad had a massive stroke, too. He had been going downhill for a few months because he had pneumonia twice last year, but still we were not prepared in any way to say goodbye, and the fact he was fine when we put him to bed that night. I miss him so much sometimes I feel like my chest will burst open, so I can’t even imagine what my poor Mama is going through. Yes, we try to keep her busy too but there are days she just isn’t up to anything. Hoping you and your family can remember all the good times with happiness and love in her your hearts. Praying for your family. xxoo, Barb
View CommentMaryam says
I just lost my dad less than a month ago . It was so sudden that i still cant bealive it. He was 60 and am his youngest 26. He had a stroke on a flight back home and he passed away within an hour… i am completely devestated i dont want life to go on and i am not able to accept that he is no longer here. I feel like am in a movie and this is not real life . My life is scattered and i am not able to go on. Its Soo sudden and soo unexcpected. Am lost and confused
View CommentBarb says
Oh sweetie – I know your pain. It is so strong and overwhelming right now and I know your heart ache likes you have never felt before. My daddy passed only three weeks ago and just recently I feel like I am pulling my heart back together. I have my mama to take care of so I needed to be strong for her. All I can say is I sought help for both she and my sister and I. Find a Grief Support Group tomorrow! I promise you that connecting with other people who feel the same pain as you is comforting in a strange way. I have never thought of myself as a support group type of person, but I am so happy I reached out and we attend. You are NOT alone in your grief. My email is barbgarrettnc@yahoo.com and you can reach out to me anytime. I promise you day y day, it gets better. I know I will never, ever be over my Daddy. Even now for no reason at all, I will bust out crying. Talk to him, write to him. I talk to daddy all the time out loud. I have to believe in my heart they can hear us. It makes me feel better. Whatever you do, please do not hold your grief in, okay? Your daddy would want YOU to live and be happy. You can do this. Please email me any time. xxoo, Barb
View CommentKris says
I’m not one to comment usually, but I want to tell you how very sorry I am for your loss. My father passed in 2006. Ours was a complicated relationship. I still have anger towards him but I miss the conversations we had in my adult life. Even though I wasn’t really close to him part of me will always miss him and I’ll miss the idea of what I wanted him to be.
My Mom passed away in June of this year. She would have been 80 in July. When she decided to stop treatments and go into hospice care I was able to travel to see her. We talked about life, death, Judge Judy, and what her wishes were after she was gone. Most importantly to me, I was able to apologize for my rebellious youth and thank her for everything she did for me. I feel so blessed that I was able to have that time with her and that she raised me to be a strong and independent woman. When my brother called to tell me she was gone, I knew before I answered the phone, I just knew. I spent most of that day crying, laughing at some of the funny memories, and accepting condolence calls from friends and family. I still tear up now and then when something reminds me her but I try to focus on the funny memories -she was my best friend. I miss her so much even though I still feel her with me. I still talk to her, too ?
View CommentEveryone grieves in their own way and at their own pace. I’ve been told it’s important to feel the emotions and not try to box them away. I try to do that and I think it helps. Hugs to you and I hope you are able to find comfort in your journey
Barb says
Kris I am so sorry for the loss of your parents. I am so happy you were able to make emotional amends, especially with your mother. I miss him so much, and most days it feels like I will walk into their home and he will be sitting at the end of the couch where he always sat. I was a daddy’s girl and a mama’s girl too. I was the baby. But I too, try to dwell on the happy memories and feel so blessed he was my Daddy. Thank you for sharing your story with me. Sending you hugs and prayers of condolences. xxoo, Barb
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